Too Soon A Memory

On Sunday, October 21^st we found out that we would be expecting! We were so excited. About a week later I started having pregnancy symptoms that I didn’t have with my previous pregnancies. NAUSEA. So. Much. Nausea. I thought it was strange since my first pregnancies were so similar, but everyone just kept telling me that “every pregnancy is different” (even the Doctors.). Around 8 weeks I went in to be seen because of some terrible back and abdominal pain. A Doctor over the phone said I may be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. After having blood work and an ultrasound we found that everything was fine, however baby was a little small so as usual they moved my due date back a week (1 week and 2 days to be exact). Putting my due date July 5^th, 2019 instead of June 26^th. Having that ultrasound made me feel so much better. Later that week I had my 1^st prenatal appointment and was able to see the baby once more on a small doppler screen. So little, but still there and heart beating quickly.

The next week was thanksgiving and we decided to tell our families our big news! We dressed the kids up in cute little turkey shirts and Challace’s said “This little turkey is going to be a BIG SISTER!” It took family most of the day to notice her shirt, which was pretty funny, but they were so ecstatic about our news. 

The day after thanksgiving baby was at 8 weeks gestation and I was still feeling terrible. That next week we had an ultrasound scheduled for Friday November 30^th.  We showed up for our appointment and as I was checking in, I heard a rattling sound behind me, I look over my shoulder towards the sound, and there stood a girl in a bright orange jumpsuit, hands cuffed, and ankles shackled together. With a guard escorting her to her appointment. I thought this was going to be the craziest part of my appointment! That’s not something you see every day!

I got into the ultrasound room, undressed, and the ultrasound tech started measuring and showing us our sweet baby. Then she stopped and said “I’m not seeing a heartbeat, and at 9 weeks I should be able to see a little flutter right around here” pointing to a certain spot on the screen.

She left to grab a Doctor as I got dressed……there was nothing but silence between Craig and I. Suspense. What would the doctor say? Would they repeat the ultrasound? Is there a chance she just missed it?! Was she a new technician and just wasn’t 100% sure what she was doing??

Finally, after waiting what seemed like forever the Dr came in. She informed us that baby was measuring on track at 9 weeks, but that there indeed was no heartbeat. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Tears streamed my cheeks. My baby was gone…. still in my body. But gone. She gave us some options as how to proceed, and we decided to give it a few days and see if things happened on their own. They drew blood and all my labs confirmed that my body still seemed to be pregnant. In the back of my mind I kept hoping that, that meant there might be a sliver of hope that she just missed it.

As we left the hospital Craig put his arm around me. Still silence between us. I was trying so hard to keep it together until we got to the car. We got to the elevator and an elderly lady was standing there with a few family members, speaking with someone on the phone, and said “we just saw the baby!” very excitedly. My heart broke. Just broke. And I started to lose it. As soon as the elevator door opened I told Craig to hurry, so I didn’t make a scene in front of the people in the common area of the hospital.

Once in the car I cried the hardest I’ve ever cried before. Craig held me. At that moment I realized I wasn’t going to get to experience that with this baby. I wasn’t going to get the opportunity to deliver this baby, hold it, kiss it’s sweet face…..No one was going to come visit us at the hospital….there was no baby anymore.

 Once I wasn’t so tearful we made our way home. Craig went to get the kids from my mom and I went home hoping to get myself composed enough for once the kids returned.

The next few days seemed to go by so slowly. Waiting for Monday to redo labs to confirm miscarriage was so hard. Finally, Monday came. I dropped the kids off with my sister in-law Courtney and headed to the hospital to have blood drawn. I got a call a few hours later saying that my HCG level had gone down, indicating that baby had passed. They informed me that my HCG level was likely so high at my ultrasound because the baby had more than likely just passed within a day or 2 of the ultrasound. The Doctor then recommended that we do a D&C procedure to remove baby and all the tissue, since it hadn’t taken place on its own over the past few days. This meant surgery. And I was nervous.

Surgery was scheduled for that Wednesday afternoon at 12:40. Wednesday December 5^th, 2018 Craig and I dropped the kids off with Shanna and made our way to the hospital. I was so nervous, and SO HUNGRY! I wasn’t able to eat anything since midnight the night before and since my body hadn’t noticed the loss of the baby I was still having pregnancy symptoms, so I was still feeling sick, and way nauseous.

We checked into the hospital around 10:30, they gave me a wristband, weighed me, and took us back to our pre-op room. #14. They gave me this purple gown made of weird feeling paper-like material, put a heated blanket over me and placed a heater port into my gown to get me warmed up and blood flowing well for surgery. The nurse asked us some weird questions like “have you ever been told you snore loud enough to be heard through closed doors?” and “Do you feel safe in your own home?” Which I had to document because they made Craig and I laugh.

Next, she gave me some medication and then started the IV. The nurse attempted to insert my IV THREE TIMES!! She first tried my hand but said my veins were all too small and had lots of branches off them, next she tried my left arm and it felt like she was digging around in there with a shovel! So, of course, she had to try the other arm and same thing…. It was killer, but another nurse happened to pop in and was able to get it first try. She told me she had to use a kid needle, and of course, that made Craig laugh.  😊

My sweet sister in-law Larae unexpectedly stopped by and brought craig a cookie and drink. It was such a sweet gesture and we’re thankful to have such good family in our lives.

Before surgery a bereavement counselor came in to talk to us about our options for the burial of baby after surgery. We were pretty shocked by this, supposing that we wouldn’t get a choice with what would be done with our babies remains. However, we were so grateful that we were given the opportunity to choose and we ended up deciding to have our baby placed at the Sunset Memorial Park Cemetery, in the Serenity Garden. This made my heart happy, knowing we’d have a place to go and remember our sweet baby, a place of peace and serenity just for us and our little one.

I remember Craig and I having some silly moments while waiting for surgery, which I needed, to help me keep my head on straight and not get too caught up in the emotions and nervousness of it all. I can recall hearing someone whistle and then a male voice outside the room hollering “Look what showed up at work today!” Obviously having some kind of infatuation or attraction to their co-worker. Craig thought this was pretty funny.

After a while of waiting the anesthesiologist came in to visit with us and informed us that he and another anesthetist would be there during my surgery, that two were required for safety reasons. He asked me many questions regarding my pregnancy and made the decision to use a breathing tube during surgery due to me having so much nausea and acid reflux. He worried that without one, acid would get up into my lungs. This made me a little more nervous.

Finally, the Doctor came in to talk with us about the procedure, what to expect after, and was very kind and reassuring. Around 1 o’clock (20 minutes late) the male anesthesiologist and a female nurse came and wheeled me back, it seemed like a long ride down to the O.R. They took me to operating room #2 and I remember it being very white and bright inside, and lots of equipment all around. They raised my bed and had me transfer to the operating table with a pillow under my head and knees, and my ankles placed on top of this gel like pad that had groves in it to fit my feet. I remember getting comfortable and telling myself as soon as they got me settled in, I would look around more to see what the room looked like so I could remember the inside of an O.R. but the anesthesiologist said he was giving me some oxygen and next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery.

Big deep breath…. coughing…crying…gagging…blurred people…trying to get up…”Where is Craig?!” This is what I remember when I woke up. It was scary! I couldn’t remember where I was, what had happened, and where my dang husband was! All I wanted was him. After going in and out of sleep a few times and all of that happening every time I came to, I finally realized what had happened. I was angry with the anesthesiologist because I couldn’t remember him asking me to count before putting me out. I told the nurse “he didn’t even have me count!!” she replied “he did hon, you made it to three.” Whatever that meant. I was delirious, and obviously couldn’t remember much. Soon after I remember waking up in a different room (recovery) in a panic. Another big giant breath, breathing seemed hard, lots of coughing and gagging again. Asking if they got it all, realizing for the first time that my sweet baby was gone…no longer inside me. We were no longer one, separated, and I felt empty.

I was still in and out for quite a while, freaking out each time I woke, and gagging…. lots of gagging. Craig later recalled to me that I was definitely delirious. He said once when I frantically woke, I asked “did you go party when I was at lunch?” silly boy just replied “no, I just waited for you.” I WAS CRAZY! Hahaha.

The nurse came in to check on me and decided to give me an an-histamine to help with the nausea and get me some well needed rest. Finally, I was able to get a little rest, still so groggy, and in and out of sleep. Soon I was finally awake enough to eat. That chocolate pudding was the best I ever had. (Maybe because I was so darn hungry from not eating the past 12+ hours). I then ate toast, and another pudding, regretting I didn’t get chocolate the second time around!  😊

The nurse offered Norco for the pain, but I kindly said no since that stuff makes me crazy! I then was able to get out of bed, so dizzy and tired. Getting dressed was a chore, almost falling over from so much dizziness, Craig helped me put on my clothes and helped me not fall over, all with only one hand!! (since one of his hands was broken at the time). I was finally dressed and the nurse assisted me to the bathroom, I couldn’t walk by myself yet since I was still so dizzy. For them to discharge me I had to have 1 urine output, so the nurse escorted me to the restroom. And of course, she came in the restroom with me, which was super awkward. I couldn’t go. I hear water…. she turned on the faucet and just stood there. The sound of water did not help. I needed her gone…. I asked if she would step out, and turn the water off…. finally, I could use the restroom in peace. I washed up and she assisted me back to my room. She had me sit in a wheel chair to wait for discharge papers. Craig gathered all my things and went to pull the car around. I signed the papers and was finally able to go home. By 4 pm I was in the car. It was such a long ride home…. well to me. I was in and out the whole way. By 4:24 we rolled in the driveway, Craig assisted me to bed, brought me water and pizza, and I slept. And boy did that sleep feel good! It was such a peaceful sleep. 6 o’clock came and I was awake. That night spent with craig and the kids was just what I needed after a day like I’d had. Craig is my rock…and those sweet kids are my world.

A friend brought dinner that night, and I was so grateful to have so many loving people to help take care of us at our time of need. Sweet Larae brought flowers, so many other friends and family members brought meals, and helped watch my kids the next few days. These people were heaven sent.

Day after surgery I remember my throat being sore…SO SORE. The breathing tube had taken its toll.

I called the cemetery and was informed that baby’s remains had been transported there that day. Our sweet baby was at rest, but still in my heart. In the spring they would place a plaque up for the baby and hold a ceremony. I anticipate that day with hope…..hope of joy, peace, and closure.

I sit writing this about a month later. Still mourning the loss of my sweet baby, longing to be pregnant again. What I would give to have that morning sickness back, if it meant I could still have my baby. Physically, most days I feel okay now, emotionally each day is different. Some days harder than the last. There are so many reminders around me each day that I’m no longer having a baby, but also so many blessings and things to be thankful for. This experience has taught me so much. I’ve grown in ways I never thought possible. I’ve come closer to my husband, and developed a better relationship with my Savior. Through him I know that this isn’t the end with that little babe. I’ll get to see him or her again one day…hold them…kiss them. And that brings me hope.

Till we meet, my sweet baby. Love Mommy.

A little memory box for our sweet babe.

A ring I had made in memory of the baby.